Oh, Friday. Don’t leave us again. Overnight, Donald Trump reached peak nonsense, pornography went viral(!) and Marie Claire outed Meghan Markle from a place of praise.
Donald offers a taxing speech about tax. We think.
There’s nothing that half-bored, half-drunk members of an audience love more than someone deciding to cast their cue cards over shoulder, loosening their cummerbunds and tongues in the same motion, all in an endeavour to fucking wing it. Usually, it ends exactly how the audience wants it to: not well.
This morning, the Don dollar, Trumple’s Rumples, Yuge Daddy Golf Tee decided to fly first class by the seat of his pants, deciding that prepared remarks will not do, instead plucking for a series of nonsensical metaphors to articulate a very important matter. Now, I’ve done quite a bit of Googling this morning, and for the life of me I can’t figure out what that matter actually is.
“If you have a baby on our land, congratulations, that baby is a United States citizen. We’re the only one,” President Trump says while speaking about immigration during a tax roundtable. pic.twitter.com/ncrUwuMfGZ
— NBC News (@NBCNews) April 5, 2018
Trump, at a roundtable on tax law, said that “women are raped at levels that nobody has ever seen before” in a migrant caravan heading to the US.
This is false. pic.twitter.com/G8afXyYwby
— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) April 5, 2018
The word ‘tax’ is peppered throughout the borders of the clips, but I’m fairly sure it is in reference to the verb, taxing. As in articulating the feeling the viewer feels when sitting through a minute-long video, where one feels compelled to repeatedly check the length of.
Pornography kicks off viral marketing campaign with a public display of when mummy and daddy love each other very much…
Viral advertising has been in our faces so long, it’s practically herpes. However, what’s more like herpes, is the herpes. In a particularly smutty move, in which only a red-velvet Venn-diagram could only properly define it, a noted adult entertainment website has decided to cross over in to the world of viral, unexpectedly popping up in a very unexpected place, offering its humping, pumping, grinding friction service to anyone good enough to register its come-hither electronic stare.
Turning up in Perth’s brand new Yagan Square was the first questionable sore on the once pristene body of our stuffy assumption, to whit:
This is why we can’t have nice things. Spotted in Yagan Square just now (Cheers Mitch) pic.twitter.com/cDj5EFI8Fc
— The Bell Tower Times (@BellTowerTimez) April 5, 2018
Bystander Michael Snook, in conversation with the ABC said: “It didn’t register at first and I had to take a step back, I was pretty shocked.”
Suuuuurrreee you were, Mike.
Marie Claire outs Meghan Markle’s grey hair, but it’s totes a positive.
Grey hairs are a fact of life. We all get old, fat, tired. Our hair cares not to be seen perched atop such hideous mountain of blergh, so it sheds its colour, before packing its things and leaving entirely.
The amount of preening involved to meet the accepted standard has/was and will remain unfortunately stupidly lofty. However, the amount of scrutiny someone in a place of power endures is beyond the pale, especially in those cases where we all totally lub said future royal.
Overnight, Meghan Markle had her head cleaved off her shoulders by the swinging axe of supermarket journalism as one magazine decided to very much out her for having the gall to present a solitary grey follicle.
BREAKING NEWS: Meghan Markle Has a Single Gray Hair https://t.co/Bcy0E9ePXV via @marieclaire
— Lauryn Schroeder (@LaurynSchroed) April 5, 2018
Like all great bullying, it comes from a place of praise. It shouldn’t matter, but we’re talking about it, discussing how much it doesn’t matter. It’s a very subtle neg. It comes from the same place of breaching your disappointment in your partner’s unexpected weight gain by gently prodding them away from their old jeans, because you look so much better in your new ones, babe.